Alone

Its been a long time since I've updated this... I suppose its about time I did (Especially since my love's computer finally let me, and because he requests I write something). I guess lately I've just been looking at writing as something pointless. I miss conversing with people through writing and writing to myself, or to the possible 2 people that read this feels a little less than satisfying. Not to mention writing makes me feel like a failure because I can't help but think of school when I write things and well, to open that can of worms might not be best here, in a blog made for what this one is.

Today I am feeling in a completely sex-less mood. I don't even crave it. I just feel very odd, very distant and not me, even in my skin. Even my thoughts feel weird in my head. What I mean is that I am discovering new thoughts I never thought before. I am discovering in me a dominant side that wants out, and wants to be used. I don't know if this is something I want or only something I think I want. It is all very confusing for me and I need more people to talk to about it. The problem is I only have my love to talk to about it, which is wonderful, but it seems like something he cannot really relate to. He has known his 'role' and seems to not question it or desire something else. I love what I have, don't get me wrong. My submission is something I enjoy and love, but for a year I am not going to have that and where does that leave me? Is this dominant side in me rearing its head because I am afraid I am losing something and need to compensate? I have no clue and I need someone else to talk to about it. I don't know that I feel comfortable enough with talking to anyone I know right now about it. Of course my love and I share everything about it with him.... but it is still nagging at me. I don't know what it is at all, and I seem to be saying that a lot in this writing. Right now I am just not sure of so much... everything just feels like it was thrown into a box, sealed for a bit, shaken up, and then opened up. I feel like my brain has been Fed-Exed, and we all know the lovely conditions of things that are shipped through fed-ex.

Something inside of me is not right and I don't know what it is. I don't sleep well, and when I do, I can't sleep without dreaming so I feel exhausted even though I sleep all day. I can't think straight and am starting to get very restless. I need something to do. I am not used to not having a million things to do, and now I have nothing to do at all and it is getting to me. Maybe its the new birth control pills affecting me, maybe its homesickness for New York, or maybe it is the fear of going back to New York after 8 months. I see it with apprehension, excitement and loathing. I do not want to be alone, and I will be.